You know that US Weekly feature, “What’s In My Bag?” where they show the contents of a celeb’s purse splayed out prettily and then interview the star about all the perfect items she totes around? I was reading about Gabrielle Union’s bag last night and laughed at how different the contents of our purses are. Here's what her's looks like. Mine is the picture above:
After laughing at the perfect picture, I thought, “It’s a good thing no one is looking in my purse!” The thing is DISGUSTING. I mean vile. Foul. My husband won’t even stick his hand in it. I think he’s afraid his hand would get covered in poop. Which it probably would.
So of course I thought it would be hilarious to actually see what’s in my bag. Have an US Weekly moment of my own. So I dumped my purse out and HOLY HELL this is what I found:
- Car keys: OK, that’s respectable. Wait, ew, what’s on my car keys? Please tell me that’s chocolate.
- Empty pirate booty bag: Snack of champions.
- Five dollars: I’m rich!
- An empty gum package: My son steals all my gum and shoves every piece in his mouth at once. And then smears his sticky hands all over everything of course.
- A Milky Way wrapper: So I snuck a candy bar. Sue me.
- A ball of crumb-encrusted Wiki Sticks: Hey, they kept the kids occupied for 5 minutes at dinner.
- Two matchbox cars: A mom of a boy must always be prepared.
- Lip balm & mascara: The only things in my bag that a star would have in her’s.
- Stale Cheez-Its: Yum!
- An empty bread bag: You know, because you never know when you’re going to need an empty bread bag.
- Hand sanitizer: Because OBVIOUSLY I put a huge premium on cleanliness.
- A pen: That I can never, ever find when I need to.
- Dirty Lightening McQueen underwear: Ew.
- A tea bag: You know, in case I run into some hot water out there somewhere.
- My wallet: Responsible adult that I am.
- All the cards that are supposed to be in my wallet: I dump them back in the purse instead of taking the 10 seconds to re-insert them into the wallet. Usually because my kids are melting down or bolting off somewhere and I don't have the luxury of putting things back where they belong.
- Stale toast: From one of those “Here, Mom” moments when my kid handed me his trash.
- Unidentifiable gooey something: I don’t even wanna know.
- Wadded up snotty tissues: It’s winter. Noses are a-runnin’.
- An “Endless Summer” card for unlimited rides at Santa Cruz boardwalk: Endless summer, indeed.
- Cookie Monster stuffie: My son gave it to me toremember him by when I went to the grocery store. Parting is such sweet sorrow.
- Print outs for tickets to Disneyland: For a trip we took 2 weeks ago.
- A banana peel: Kinda a mom prerequisite. Having rotting fruit in your bag is a mom badge of honor. Am I right?!
If you’re still reading and you haven’t run off to upchuck in the toilet, tell me what the nastiest thing in YOUR bag is!
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