One of my best friends had kids before I did. And like the good childless friend I was, I put my incredibly fun single life on hold for an afternoon, and went to go meet her little poop machine.
She opened the door looking like she’d been run over by a truck. “You look great!” I said. Because really, what else could I say? “Holy crap what happened to you and ew, what’s that on your shirt????”
We sat down in her kitchen to have a cup of tea, when suddenly mid-brew, she said, “I have to pump.”
“OK,” I answered. Whatever that means.
She then yanked down her shirt, snapped open her bra and let her girls free. I tried to act all cool about it. All hip with the whole mommy thing. All like, “Suuuuuure, my friends flash me all the time.” But inside I was like WTF????????
She then proceeded to grab her boobs one by one and shove these plastic cone-shaped things around her nipples. The only time I’d seen cones on a woman’s breasts before was at a Madonna concert. She screwed in some bottles, turned a knob on this black briefcase-looking thing and OMG, I almost died.
I couldn’t help but look. Stare. Gawk. The machine started violently yanking her nipples forward. YANK! SQUEEZE! YANK! PULLLLLLLLL! It looked like some kind of torture device. And the noise. The “unnnnnn … unnnnnn … unnnnnn” was so loud I could barely hear what she was saying. When the milk started to drip into the bottles I felt like I was going to throw up.
I felt slightly traumatized when I left her house. What insanity had I just witnessed? I spent the whole ride home assuring my boobs that I would never, ever do something like that to them. “You're safe with me, girls,” I said. Turns out I lied.
Fast forward two years, I had my first baby. One of my childless friends came over to meet my little love nugget. I opened the door wearing spit-up coated pajamas. My hair was a rat’s nest and I hadn’t brushed my teeth in days. “Hey! You look great!” She said. Because really, what else could she say. We sat down for some lunch and my boobs felt like they were going to burst. “I have to pump,” I said. “OK,” she said.
Foolish woman. She had no idea what she was about to witness.