When I dropped my 5-year-old off for school this morning, he refused to kiss me. He gave me an, “I’m too cool for that” shrug as my lips landed mid-air and my heart dropped into my stomach. Already? I thought. Already, his look seemed to say.
“I’m not ready for this,” I mumbled as I walked away. I don’t want my kids to grow up. Not yet. I want more time. More time to play and laugh and do it all right.
I jokingly tell my kids to stay little. They laugh and say, “Mommy, we can’t! We’re growing!” I laugh along with them, but inside I’m dying. If only they knew how deeply I wish it could be true. How much I want them to stay little.
I’ll miss so much about these days when they’re gone. I’ll miss the kisses and cuddles. I’ll miss the tiny hands holding onto mine. I’ll miss the little incomprehensible drawings and gifts of rocks and old cans of shaving cream that my son presents with flourish as if he’s offering me a diamond. I’ll miss the laughter. I’ll miss the play. I’ll miss listening to their little voices. Holding them in my arms.
I’ll miss my babies when they’re grown.
Of course there is a lot I won’t miss. I won’t miss the tantrums. Or the whining. Or the bedtime battles. Or the messes. Or the fact that my son insists on destroying EVERY. SINGLE. MEAL. in some evil plot to give me an ulcer.
But all that is a price I’m willing to pay to have my son curl up into my arms and tell me he loves me at the end of the day. To have my daughter smile up at me and tell me she’s happy.
Regardless of what I want or how I feel, time moves on. Children grow up. We grow old. Life passes us by. I can’t make my kids stay little. I can’t slow down time. I can only be there, every day, soaking it all up so that one day, when they’re grown and flown, they’ll live in my heart. Still little.
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Perfect post Deva! You have captured exactly what it also feels like for me to watch my boys grow up. Even the hard days, of which there are many for my almost five-year-olds, will be missed when this time has come and gone. Thank you for reminding me to stop and get some extra hugs from my boys today. 🙂
You’re so welcome. xo
Reminds me of the song, “let them be little”. A song for the ages.
Love that song!
I am feeling every word that you have written. I’ve been trying to write a post today about my girls changing and growing that has made my face blotchy and eyes puffy from all of my tears. “Little’ is without a doubt easier to deal with than this hormonal teenage crap that I am enduring now. However, I’m sure 5 years from now I will see pics of my kids at their present age and wish I could go back to now. I miss “Little.” :'(
It’s so fun to write while tears are streaming down your face, isn’t it? 🙂 I’m terrified of the hormonal teenage stuff, but I agree, I’ll probably look back on it fondly one day. When the pain of it all fades. Send me the link when you finish the post!
Just discovered your fab blog. This struck a chord with me, my boUs are 14 and 6 and my girls are 12 and 8. Whilst I love the people they are becoming, my heart breaks for the little ones they were. However, to give you hope, my 14 year old does come up and give me hugs when I least expect it or put his arm around me as we walk along….once he’s done a quick check that no one he might know is around!
Hi Ko – Welcome to my blog! And so happy you told me that about your 14yo. The end of the hugs is what I dread most. xo
Love your site, it hits so close to home and this post captures that moment so well. My 7 year old will still give me kisses at home but not out in public. I struggle every day with raising them and not just letting the grow up. I have a poem on my fridge that I read almost every day and it’s all about soaking every moment up. Many of your posts have said what has been in my heart and head, whether it be funny, or heart felt I love reading them.
Thank you for the kind words about my blog, Apryll. I love the idea of posting a reminder to be in the moment (even the crazy hard moments) on the fridge. xo
I have to face the fact that my baby turns 15 today, Deva. She’s my little girl, my baby, my sensitive child, and yet, she’s taller than I am and feet the size of Canada. I can’t make her stay little, as much as I want her to stay little. So I’m totally feeling your pain today, of all days.
Happy Birthday to your little big girl, Teri! xo
I am in profound tears right now.
me too!
*Hugs*
Perfectly written Deva.
I was going through a drawer that I keep special things in from my kids. And I cam across a Mother’s Day card that has a button that you can push to record a message. It was from my oldest son that is now 17 and he gave me the card when he was about 10 years old (I could not believe it still works!). When I pressed play and I heard that little voice that I have not heard in so long say, “Happy Mothers Day Mom, I love you!” Tears started streaming down my face. I was feeling so many emotions all at once.. because my little guy that gave me that card is now just about a man. He will be graduating this school year. I love that little boy he was and I love the teenager he has become and I know I will definitely love the man he will come to be. It is hard to believe just how fast time does go by… and that is exactly what that card made me realize… You can’t get back what was but every stage that is now and is to come has its beautiful, crazy, not always perfect moments… but a mother loves her children no matter what… even when they seem overwhelming at times… it always makes things better when they look at you and say, “I Love You Mom.”
GAH! Now this made me cry, Staycee! And yes, it makes everything better when they say “I love you.”
Crying now…. dang darnit. 😉 So perfectly put, Deva. As always!! My girls are 6 & 8 and I’ve been feeling these pangs lately too. I’ve even (gasp!) been lonely for them when they’re gone!? So last couple of days when they’re at school I arrange all of their stuffed animals in various positions of ‘play’ so I can hear squeals of that precious laughter as their minds race with inquisition – “how did this happen?! They really DO play when we’re away!” At 8 I know it’s the final moments of fancying playtime in this manner and I want to push it as long as I can – savor. every. last. drop. of childhood left in them! Now I’M the crazy one, longingly gazing at every baby that passes by!
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that stuffed animal idea! What a great way to work magic into their lives. xo
I long for my own 3 kids to stay little as well. As a matter of fact, I often joke with them telling them I am going to only feed them every other day so they won’t grow so fast. We both know that idea didn’t last long. My son is 12, and he sure has his moments of complete sweetness. When I am standing by his bed, kissing his forehead at night, sometimes he grabs my arm and pulls me toward him, just as I am walking away…he pulls me close, grabs my face, and plants one right on my cheek….sniffs my neck and asks me why I always smell so good. That’s the good stuff Deva, it truly is. The stages that have already passed were good too, but the one I am in right now is great. My son hugs like a grown man, and can still be that sweet little boy with that grin I remember from SO many years ago. My girls are still sweet, and they haven’t yet figured out that I am not so cool 😉
I still have a few years left before they give me the cold shoulder, so in the meantime, I am going to snuggle on the couch, and hug them and kiss them as much as I can. Thanks for this post!
I love that your 12yo is still a snuggle bug sometimes. (And you’re so welcome for the post!)
<3
I was having drinks in a restaurant with my two sons the other day (the youngest just turned 21) and wondered, how can this be? I was just giving them juice boxes and gold fish snack bags? Now they’re sipping on whisky sours and debating whether to shave their beards. Strange…
CRAZY!!!!
Just discovered a parody… Loved It!
Watched another… Loved It More!
found your page… wondered around…
read this….
And now I’m crying.
*disclaimer: mine are 5 and 3
Aw, welcome Brandy. Sorry I made you cry!!!! Enjoy those little life suckers! xo
Noticed there are other ‘Brandy’s….. who knew?!
Changed my name 😉
Good Lord 😭 I am tearing up reading this. I look at my 2.5 year old’s baby photos and genuinely miss that baby. Each stage is new and fun, but dang it all I want my baby back…just for a moment.
Great post ❤️