I have insomnia. I’ve had it since I was a kid. My husband is a great sleeper and can’t begin to understand why I can’t sleep at night. He always asks me what on earth is going on inside my head when I’m tossing and turning at night. So I decided to jot it down.
Here’s what happens inside the mind of an insomniac:
Me: YAWN. I’m tired.
Brain: Me too. Goodnight.
Me: Goodnight …
Brain: You’re going to die, you know.
Me: Shut up, brain. I don’t want to think about death right now.
Brain: But it’s inevitable. And you’ll have no idea when it’s coming. One day BAM! You’ll be dead.
Me: You’re killing me here, brain.
Brain: Exactly.
Me: Shut up.
Brain: Just sayin’.
Me: Well, I’m not dying right now. Right now I should be sleeping.
Brain: We’re all dying. Every moment life is slipping away from us. Tick tock. Tick tock.
Me: SHUT UP!
Brain: OK. Goodnight … You know, that was a really stupid email you sent today.
Me: It was?
Brain: Yeah, you sounded like an idiot.
Me: I did? Ugh. I know. I’m such an idiot.
Brain: A TOTAL idiot.
Me: Why do I have to be so stupid?
Brain: I don’t know.
Me: Well, there’s nothing I can do about it now.
Brain: Except for worry about it for a few hours.
Two hours later
Brain: Well, that was fun.
Me: OMG it’s so late!!!!!!
Brain: OMG! It’s getting REALLLLLLYYYYY late. Oh man, tomorrow is going to suck. You’re not going to be able to function at all. You’re so screwed.
Me: THEN LET ME GO TO SLEEP!
Brain: OK, goodnight.
Me: Goodnight.
Brain: What was that? Was that one of the kids?
Me: Nope. They’re sleeping.
Brain: Maybe it was a robber trying to break in.
Me: It wasn’t a robber. Stop with the histrionics, brain.
Brain: It could be a robber. People rob houses all the time.
Me: Can you stop with the robber stuff! You’re freaking me out.
Brain: I’m your brain. It’s my job to freak you out.
Me: There’s no robber. GOODNIGHT!
Brain: OMG! I have a great idea for a blog post!
Me: OK, tell me tomorrow.
Brain: I won’t remember it tomorrow. You have to write it down RIGHT NOW!
Me: OK, I’ll write it down.
Brain: You know, I’ve been thinking, the kids are growing up so fast. You should really do more puzzles with them.
Me: I’m trying to sleep here!
Brain: Just saying, you don’t get these moments back.
Me: I KNOW THAT!
Brain: Jeez. Someone’s a little defensive.
Me: Sorry. You’re right. I’ll never get these moments back. I’m a horrible mother.
Brain: Terrible.
Me: Awful.
Brain: You suck.
Me: I know. I suck so hard.
Brain: OK … ‘Night.
Me: ‘Night.
Brain: Oh crap, it’s almost 4am.
Me: I need to sleep!!!!!!!!! Think about something happy, please?
Brain: Puppies?
Me: Nah.
Brain: Kittens?
Me: Nah.
Brain: Your kids … who you don’t play with enough?
Me: Yeah, my kids. I love my kids. My kids … my kids … zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Kids: MOMMY!!!!!!!
Me: Shit, my kids!
