It’s been awhile since I’ve thought about my Hashimoto’s. Well, I think about it every day; but it’s been awhile since it made me cry.
I’m supposed to be monitored regularly. Go for blood tests so the doctor can track my progress and adjust my medication. But given that I’m a busy mom with way too much on her plate, I haven’t been to the doctor in over a year. I finally realized how inexcusable it was that I was neglecting my health—how unfair it was to my family who counts on me to get up every day and be there, be MOM—and went in for my blood work.
And I got the results today.
And nothing has changed.
I still have Hashimoto’s.
I don’t know what I was expecting. A miracle? A spontaneous cure? A divine healing? Yes. I was hoping for all three.
Deep down, I always think that I’ll get my blood work back and the antibodies that show I have Hashimoto’s will be gone. Poof. Disappeared. I always hope that it was all a big mistake, and that I don’t actually have an incurable auto immune disorder. I always hope that there was some mix up with the blood work. Or I was just tired that day and got a false positive. I always hope that I’ll be healthy. And normal. Like everyone else.
But I’m not. And I never will be. And that is depressing. So very depressing.
When I finish feeling sorry for myself, I get angry. WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE THIS? Why do I have to eat this insanely limited diet and feel so exhausted by 7pm that I can barely stand? Why is my immune system raging war on my body? WHY? WHY? WHY?
It isn’t fair.
But it is what it is.
And it could be so much worse. And I know that. I know that even in my misfortune, I am so blessed. So very, very blessed. I know that many others have it far worse. I know that my life has been painted with a charmed brush. And I am grateful.
But just for today, I’m going to indulge in a cry. Because I got my blood work back. And I still have Hashimoto’s. And having Hashimoto’s sucks.