Dear Daughter,
I sat by your bed tonight as you cried. Red, hot tears of disappointment. Of embarrassment. Of fear. Of feeling less than.
And I understood.
I understood because I have been there. I have been disappointed. I have been embarrassed. I have been afraid. I have felt less than. More times than you’ll ever know.
I wish I could wash it all away for you. I wish I could feel these feelings for you. I wish I could swaddle you up like I did when you were a baby and make it all better. Just. Like. That.
But I can’t.
Because you're big now. You're so, so big. Things are so much more complicated. Life is so much more difficult. And you are discovering that for yourself. And it hurts.
So no, I can't make it all better like I could when you were one. Or two. I can't kiss your boo boo and make it go away. All I can do is listen. And hold you. And tell you I get it. All I can do is share what wisdom I have collected in my decades on this earth, and hope that it helps.
The hardest thing I have learned as a mother is that you are not me. And I am not you. I have to let you feel your own pain as much as it kills me. Because it’s your pain.
But I want you to know that I will always be here. I will always listen. I will always hold you. I will never judge. You can tell me anything. You can share your deepest hurt. You gravest fear. Your most mortifying disappointment, and I will love you. I will help you however I can. I will take your pain in my hands and try to make sense of it with you. Because you, my love, are my heart. And when you ache, I ache.
Love,
Mommy
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Absolutely beautiful! And so well written.
Thank you, Vanessa. Thank you for reading. xo
Oh how I feel this. My 17 just went through a breakup and while she did have her sister and her best girlfriends to help her, she slept in bed with me that night and I held her as she cried. I feel this.
Oh Teri, I cried reading this comment. I dread this day as a mom and remember this moment as a young woman all too well. Hugs to your “baby” girl.
Thank you for posting this. My daughter just turned 6, and I’m starting to feel the helplessness of trying to “fix” all the emerging friend problems. She is also adopted and of a different race, so keeping everything that you wrote about in mind will be even more important as she gets older. Thanks again.
Diane – You’re so welcome. I wish you luck navigating the minefields of it all. The friend stuff can be tricky with girls in my experience. I don’t know if they offer it in your area, but we took a Girl’s Leadership Institute class to teach my daughter how to deal with friends and it was pretty amazing. Of course we need to re-take it because we’ve both forgotten a lot of it. xo, Deva
It applies for sons as well! My son’s pain has really been weighing on my heart. He expects me to fix everything and has yet to understand that I hurt when he hurts. I needed to hear this today–that I am not alone!
Yes, yes, yes. It applies to all of our babies. If only we could take away the pain of the world for them.
So beautifully written!!!
I had a recent event…It was so small, but felt like a sign of things to come. My 2.5 yr old boy asked a girl to dance at a NYE party. She wouldn’t! He wasn’t very upset at all, but he did look disappointed and I couldn’t help but think of the inevitable… I was all teary eyed as all the men were laughing it up!
Oh my heart – so sweet. And ugh. The day a girl break’s my little boy’s heart I’m going to be a mess.
I know the feeling. You don’t want your kid to be hurt or sad and if they are then it’s my job to fix it. My husband helps me put in perspective. Recently, my daughter ( 9 yrs) came to me in tears. A couple of her friends, went to get ice cream and left her out of the event and didn’t even try to be discree about it. I was furious! I went to call the girls moms when my husband stopped me. He said that she needs to know what it feels like when friends are hurtful and mean. It will make her a better person, knowing how to treat people and being considerate of other people’s feelings. It is so hard to see your baby, hurting but I have to remember my job is more than making sure they are healthy and happy. It is to help my children develop into loving, compassionate and honest adults. Man, being a mother is soo hard!
I would have had the same instinct as you had. It’s so hard to sit back and watch your baby get hurt. Love your husband’s perspective. You did good marrying him 🙂 And yes, motherhood is so hard, any way you slice it. xo
Beautifully done, Deva. Our hearts are forever walking outside of our body when we have kids. I have felt this way many times myself. Nothing worse than knowing you can’t take it away and carry the pain for them.
So very true.
Thank you for this, today I needed this. Though for my 13 yr old son who is not “fitting in” with the other boys cause hrs not small or athletic. He plays sports bit isn’t very good at them, he’s been upset alot lately and it’s crushing me.
You’re so welcome. And I relate to this more than you’ll ever know. xo
Beautiful, Thanks Deva. Going to wipe my tears now and hug my baby girl. I am going to remember your words when the day comes that I will be comforting her.
XXX Malia
Hi Malia! We miss you! You hug that sweet baby girl 🙂
Oh you made me cry. So beautifully said and so incredibly true. Granted my son is only 19 months but I know I will want to do everything in my power forever and always to help him and support him.
This is especially touching after reading some sad news stories this morning as well.
Aw, enjoy that little man of yours! xo
Oh goodness, I cried..
I hope someday when/if I do have kids, I remember this.
It also put into light what my own mom has been trying to express to me since I was little… I think I need to call my mom today..
Thank you for sharing your heart…
You’re so very welcome. Thank you for reading! xo
From a different view; i was 34 and having my first baby boy. I was in labor in the hospital. My epidural was not working and the pain was so intense. I remember my mother holding my hand and crying and asking for the doctor to do something for me. She said i shouldn’t be in so much pain. The look in her eyes was so intense and in that moment i felt such an incredible bond with her. Like it was all going to be ok because she was there having my back or something.
Chills. This gave me chills. I love that she was there for you in that intense moment.
this is beautiful, painful to read bc I know one day this will be me and my 2 daughters. No dry eyes here right now. Thank you for sharing this.
You’re so welcome. xo
So beautifully written and so nice to know that there are other moms feeling what I am feeling.
🙂 thank you
Oh my aching heart! My daughter is 9 and her school and friend experiences are becoming more and more difficult for her to navigate. It’s so hard! I’ve wanted to call up or confront more than one girl or parent, but I’ve held back. In my heart in know I have to. I’ve already had many sleepless nights thinking about the future. I try to remember my own experiences to share with her and find some comfort in knowing she will get through adolescence. Thanks for this.
Wendy we are in the same boat. I just hope she makes it through the next ten years with her sparkle and fire still intact. xo
Love your blog! This article hit home quite a bit! My daughter is now 17 but when she was young, I had to hold back. I had to help her find a way to fight her own battles, learn to speak up for herself to her friends and teachers. I told her I would give her advice and be there if she needed me or if it got out of control. She liked that. It was very hard not to want to smack a mom for letting their kids be so mean. I wanted to protect her from all the mean and do everything for her but then what would happen when I wasn’t there?! I am very proud of her and the way she handles things. I still give advice but she can face the world and not be scared. Good luck!
Janelle – Thank you for the kind words about my blog. I love hearing stories from moms who have “made it” through – so thank you. It gives me hope that maybe, just maybe, I’m doing something right.
This was such a moving post. With my oldest almost 13, I feel so helpless when I have to just sit and watch my child’s heart hurt. It’s hard to grow up and hard to be the mom guiding and being close for that journey. Bless your sweet girl’s heart, and bless yours! Thank you again for posting
It is such a hard journey, but so worth it. Thank you for the blessings. Back at you! xo, Deva
So beautiful, thank you for your encouraging words and wisdom you shared with us all.
This is my first time here and I read all the comments the mom’s and daughter left and I would like to thank you all for sharing and teaching me through your own experiences. Also for Christen please thank your husband for shedding some light our way, for I have always felt like being my girls (8) and (6.5) being their bodyguard. But tonight you have all shown me an important part of being a parent, is raising a strong adult and assuring them we as parents will always be there for them in every way we can. God bless you and your babies
Carlita – Welcome to my blog and thank you so much for commenting! I agree – the comments on this post are so moving and so wise I love them all. All the best! xo, Deva
Thank you for so elequently putting into words the way moms feel! I love laughing with you and now crying and feeling your mommy pain with you. I’m thankful that you are so honest and real.
Thank you for the comment, Lauren. Thank you for reading and laughing and crying with me.
Probably the hardest part of being a mother is watching your child suffer, whether in a big or small way. We know that the disappointment, hurt, embarrassment will go away but they don’t. I guess all we can do is know these bumps are part of life and actually teachers. Lovely post.
So very true. I think it is the hardest part. (With not being able to pee alone as a close second. Kidding!)
Great post! When my boys were little, I swore I would do everything possible to shield them from uncomfortable situations, hurt feelings, etc. Now as they are getting older, I’ve learned that they have to learn how to deal with their emotions and navigate tough moments on their own! This will serve them better in life.
Absolutely so very true.
my daughter is 26..also have a son who will be 15 in a week….I don’t think it matters how old they are..when they hurt, you hurt.
I can only imagine that’s true. xo
This was beautiful!!! I know with both my daughters and my son, I try to fix EVERYTHING that hurts them…… and if I can’t, I’m crushed! I never got this from my own mother, unfortunately, but my father was this way! he ALWAYS wanted to fix everything for me…… even when I got pregnant and miscarried….. it was him at the hospital holding my hand when my then boyfriend now hubby couldn’t be there, it was him who took me to my procedure afterwards because my hubby couldn’t be there, and it was him who walked through the hospital that day raising you know what because I was in so much pain…… he looked at me in the middle of all of it and told me how I wish I could take on every ounce of this pain for you, physical and emotional. But I can’t, so I’m going to do everything I can right now to take away the physical part for you. Even to this day he does everything in his power to help me anyway he can!
What an amazing father. I love hearing this!
This made me tear up. So beautifully written and so painfully true. Their pain will always be our pain.
Thank you. And yes, what you say is true.
i hope you don’t mind if I steal this, one achingly truthful word after word. I, of course, will give you credit, but I need to put this up for my sons. Sometimes, in my own circle of pain, I don’t know how to respond appropriately. I have to shut myself down because I’m a single Mom and have to keep going and not scare them any more than they already are. I want to tell them all of this and more. Thank you.
You’re so welcome. I was raised by a single mom and I respect you more than you’ll ever know. You rock on, mama!
Heather I feel your pain. My sons are 24 and 20, and I still want so much to be able to take away their pain and sadness. I want to hug and kiss them and tell them it will be all right … but sometimes it isn’t all right and we have to face that along with them.
Love this!
Just sent this off to my daughter who is in her 3rd year at college in upstate NY while all of her family is here in Washington State..
I still feel this way anytime my baby girl feels scared, alone or sad. Hopefully she will keep this and read it when she needs to hear how very much she is loved!
Aw, I love that you sent it to her. It must be so hard to have your baby girl so far away.
My daughter had no friends until she went to secondary school. No friends. I can’t imagine what it must have felt like to be constantly left out and picked on for being different. How was she different? She’s incredibly clever, and as an only child I had always talked a lot to her, so her vocabulary was way above her age. The other kids just didn’t “get” her, and it didn’t matter how many times I told her that it was their problem. Occasionally she would hook up with a difficult kid that no-one else would, just out of desperation, and it always ended badly.
At junior school she got very excited to be invited to join the “Squirrel Club”, because only special people got to be invited. In front of her I was pleased, away from her I cried, because that was a group they set up to help “outsiders” who had “social difficulties”. She never did find that out thank goodness.
Thankfully things got a lot better at secondary school, and are at the best they’ve ever been now tat she started college last September. But for six years, we both ached. I totally get what you mean.
Oh Tracey – I am so sorry she had such a rough time in school. Kids can be so cruel. I’m glad she finally found her people in college and secondary school. All we can hope is these kinds of experiences make us stronger, cooler and ready to rock at life. xo, Deva
This is beautiful Deva. It’s so hard not being able to take our kids’ pain away when we want to so badly.
Thank you Linda! And thanks for stopping by the blog 🙂
It is hard to watch our kids navigate the hard moments in life and know we can’t take protect them from embarrassment, bullies and all of the ‘normal’ crap they have to pass through.
Yes, it is so hard. PS – I love your blog, Jack.
This goes for sons as well.
My 16 year old had recently been diagnosed with a fairly severe heart condition and a degenerative joint disease which leaves him in incredible pain daily. His doctors have said he can no longer attend school or participate in any of his sports (or even ride his bike).
His friends are dating, getting their driver’s licenses, starting new jobs, etc. They have moved on and forgotten about him. He’s isolated and his classes are all now homebound taught by a special teacher.
I can’t make this better. I can’t give him his dreams of a normal future or a life without pain back. It kills me.
Oh Kaye, there are no words. I am so sorry. Hugs to you both.
YES! Loved this – very moving piece. I feel this everyday, and while you don’t want them tohurt we know they have to learn as we did.
It’s so true. They have to learn the hard way. And that hurts everyone. Including mom.
I feel this so deeply for both my kids. My son cries all the time because of severe dyslexia and feeling like he’s stupid. Then my daughter will excel at something at school, and then my son will cry some more because his little sister reads better than he does. And then my daughter starts to cry because she fells it’s her fault that my son is upset and says she wishes she had dyslexia too so her brother wouldn’t feel so bad. I would write this letter to both my kids.
Oh, that’s so hard. Poor guy. Has he ever seen a list like this? All the brilliant, amazing people with dyslexia? Albert Einstein allegedly had it. The list is impressive! http://www.dyslexia.com/famous.htm
This was beautiful I have a 19 and 23 year old girls oldest is getting ready to have a baby girl and youngest is graduating from college. I have had these feelings many times. I also suffer with Crohns Disease and I’ll never forget the look in my Dads eyes one day when I was not doing good and in extreme pain he said nothing breaks myself heart more than watching you suffer and to know I can’t fix it!!
brenda – huge congrats on your soon-to-be grandmotherhood! So exciting! And at the risk of butting in where I have no business butting in, when you mentioned Crohns Disease I had to chirp up and say my mother-in-law suffered terribly from it for years and years. She did everything to try and cure it and nothing worked. Until she went on the Specific Carbohydrate Diet. She was crazy strict for a few years and now has zero symptoms. Anyway, I’m sure you’ve heard of it and tried it but just wanted to share on the off chance you hadn’t. It was literally a life-saver for her. Here’s info: http://www.breakingtheviciouscycle.info
I can relate to this even being a father, I recall being a volunteer EMT and responding to a late night call & finding out it was my daughter’s boyfriend, who was seriously injured having to be life flighted to a larger hospital, and struggling whether or not to wake my daughter and tell her, in the end I woke her so that she knew the full details. We sat up all night as she cried and we both worried about how he was doing.
Oh Lee, this brought tears to my eyes. So sorry, what a hard experience. You’re an amazing dad for being with her in that moment.
The best part of the story, which I forgot to mention, is not only did he end up being ok after spending weeks in the hospital but he and my daughter ended up getting married and have giving me 2 wonderful grandkids. AH true love! 😀
Amazing!
Everything I’ve been trying to say to my confused, angry 17yr old baby girl all written down! Love to send it her ♥
I hope it helps. Lots of love to you both. xo
Thank you for this. I’m 19 with a 2 1/2 month old beautiful daughter and this is everything I already want to explain to her, and everything I realize my mom’s been trying to say to me. My mom has taken me being a young mom in beautiful stride and many a time held me as I cried or helped me with my daughter when I just needed a minute to breathe. She’s always been there, letting me make my own mistakes and learning from them, but also supporting me and comforting me. This is truly the best, most thoughtful way you could have said it. I truly hope I am half the mother my mom is.
Oh Kelsey – what beautiful words about your mom. Congrats on your baby girl. I’m glad you have such a supportive grandma. xo
This does apply to boys and it says exactly how I feel with my boys! My eldest is 20 and my youngest is 19. Both of my boy’s went through a tough childhood where their dad didn’t want anything to do with them even though we lived n the same house. I have been through 9 back surgeries and hospitalized many times due to their dad’s abuse. But n my mind I was telling myself that a bad dad was better than no dad at all. Even though I went through all that I never missed one baseball, football or basketball game, not one band compitition, not one boy scout or cubscout event! I went camping on a Friday night for the weekend after getting out of the hospital that morning with cubscouts because my boys wanted to go and their dad wouldn’t go with them. I never wanted to sacrifice my boys happiness for nothing. When their hearts were first broken my heart was shattered because I couldn’t protect them from the pain they were going through. When their dad found someone else to beat on and left it was like a miracle happening! I was so busy trying to make up for their dad’s failures with them that I didn’t c that my boys were suffering seeing me go through what I did just for them. Then my heart ached knowing that I didn’t protect them fully. But the most amazing thing is, is that both of my boy’s have told me that I made their childhood very happy and memorable and they could have never picked a better mom. They remember all the sacrifices that I made and they want to b as good a dad as I was to them! My boys r my heart and soul and I will forever b there for them and with them no matter what they have to go through n life! That’s just what mom’s do! So thank u for sharing this! I’m glad I’m not the only mom who will go through heck for their kids and that there r kids out there that have as much love from their moms that my boys have from me!
Oh how I understand. At times more than I would like. Just a couple of weeks ago, I had to sit by the bed of my “baby” (who is 20 by the way) and see the hurt in her eyes as she found out she was expecting. Yes it was so hard. But I have always told my girls that I would never, ever judge them and I would always support them. I had my chance to prove it and passed with flying colors. While some in society would be quick to judge (since she is not married), but I put it in perspective by looking at her. Just. sitting. there. looking. Seeing the hurt, seeing the scared look, the “what do I do know mom” look. You better believe as parents, our children watch to see if we mean what we say. I can’t wait for her to read this, because you have written everything I have ever thought. God bless you and all with “babies” as we sit back and let them hurt, and hurting just as much with them.
Lynnita – It’s so wonderful that you walked the walk. I aspire to always do that as well. Sending all best wishes to your daughter. <3
Even though I am not a mom, as an aunt to two wonderful kids (although not that little any more) I can so relate. Every time I read a post about something they are going through, my heart aches for them and I always want to do whatever it takes to make it better. Thank you for sharing this and reminding me and everyone that we are never alone in these experiences!
My beautiful daughter was born with nerve damage in her right arm. It’s just the two of us, and every time I had to hold her while she cried from being bullied about her arm it literally made me want to throw up, and then run out and beat the crap out of whoever did it, and then out of the world! Now she’s almost 17 and driving and oh the worry hurts so much……It’s like when they learn how to walk and you’re all yay! you did it! and taking pictures and bragging and feeling so proud! And you don’t have to hold them ALL THE TIME anymore! And they’re walking by themselves, so big! who’s so big!!!……and you suddenly realize you don’t GET to hold them all the time anymore…..and you wish you had known, the last time you held them, that that would be the last time so you could hold them just a little bit closer and smell their head……because you can’t smell a teenager’s head, even when her hair smells like mangococonuttropicalwhatever because now she’s taller than you…..and you remember marking the inches on the wall and saying so big! so big! and now you look at the wall and say…..you were so little……………….
*tears*
You’re a good mama, Deva <3
This made me cry as i read it… My daughter is 23 n her n her boyfriend just broke.up.. . Breaks my heart to see her in soo much pain… I Love Yu Mija!!!! Thanks for sharing this ..
That was so sweet and heartfelt. I cried. What a blessed little girl to have a sweet and caring mother. :’)
My son is almost 2.5 and I have a nearly four-month-old daughter. 🙂
Gah! You hit me right in the feels with this one, Deva! I’m riding the teen coaster at warp speed these days and marvel at how my own mother must have white-knuckled her spin seated next to me! Hugs and hope are a mother’s greatest gifts to give…you’re “mom-ing” just right. ❤️
Ohh this is Good. My 19yr old, just ended a 2yr (1st boyfriend ever) relationship. She is so incredibly torn its devastating to watch. All we can do as parents is be there for them. Anger is a HUGE emotion. I tell my daughter everyday to forgive, forgive him for you, not for him. YOU cant heal unless you forgive. Dont be mad, as hard as that seems, but it causes bitterness, and hardens the heart. She is so torn that she has not been able to sleep alone. Me, her dad, and her our youngest have been sleeping in her bed with her! Yes, all of us in a king size bed. Its tough. But again, all we can do is let them know we are here, we will be here, and we are not going anywhere. (I do need yall to pray for us, I dont know how much longer I can share a bed with the 4 of us). I hurt for her, she has not ate much in 5 days. It’s a process. And only time will heal.
I hope her heart heals quickly. xo