Sure, toddlers are cute, but they pretty much get away with murder. If you did half the bad stuff they do, you’d be wearing an orange jumpsuit fighting over the top bunk with your new roomie Mean Mona. But not toddlers. They’re considered “adorable” when they break the law.
Here are 9 offenses toddlers commit on a daily basis that would land adults in the slammer:
1. Indecent Exposure (Penal Code 314) Your kid can run around sans diaper on Main Street and nobody thinks twice, but if you ripped off your pants in public you’d be in serious doo-doo.
2. Disturbing the Peace (Penal Code 415) In toddlerville it’s a “tantrum.” If you pulled stunts like that in public, you’d get a day in jail or more likely a trip to a mental health facility for 72 hours.
3. Vandalism (Penal Code 594) Sure, toddlers can scribble all over the walls IN PERMANENT MARKER, but you’d spend a year in the slammer if you did it on public property.
4. Urinating in Public (Penal Code 374.3) For toddlers it’s a “potty accident.” If you peed on the sidewalk, you’d get fined $1000.
5. Extortion (Penal Code 518) I.e. what your kid does every time you go to the toy store. You try it and you’re looking at some serious time.
6. Assault and Battery (Penal Code 240) Your kid beats the daylights out of his play date and gets a two-minute time out; if you punched your BFF you’d get a day or two in jail … and if you hit your BFF with an object (hello building block!) you would get substantially more time.
7. Violation of Nighttime Noise Restrictions (40-2 Co. Ord.) Note to toddler: screaming “I’M NOT TIREDDDD!!!” at the top of your lungs at 3a.m. is actually illegal. If Mom did it she’d get a visit from the cops.
8. Crimes Against Elders (Penal Code 368) Your kid can bite, scratch, hit and poke you. If you did it to your mom, you’d be put away for years.
9. Stealing (Penal Code 484) Kids call it “borrowing” their friend’s toys. Grownups aren’t allowed to “borrow” like that. Just ask Lindsay Lohan.
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Thanks to Detective James Haggarty
