Parenting can be a PITA, but it can also be incredibly convenient; especially when you need a scapegoat. Kids are so easy to throw under the bus. Especially the tiny, non-verbal ones who can’t defend themselves.
Here are 6 things you can easily blame on your kids:
- Farting: Next time you let one rip, just make a duck face and say, “Ugh, he’s been SO gassy. Must be all those high-fiber beans I feed him. He eats them like candy.” If your kid is still in diapers, even better! Just do the butt sniff and ‘nuff said.
- Being late: Truth be told, you’d probably be late sometimes (OK, most of the time) anyway, but blaming the kids for your tardiness makes it seem like you have it all toootally together and it’s just the Albatross of your offspring bringing you down.
- Looking like crap: Haven’t showered in a week? Don’t even own any makeup anymore? Have bags under your eyes the size of tiny fists? No worries! Just blame the kids because clearly they never let you shower or do your hair and they destroy any decent outfit you have on with their grubby paws. People expect you to look like crap when you’re a mom, so this is a no-brainer.
- Dissing someone: Not looking forward to hanging out with your frenemy tonight? You got it, blame the kids. Pull the “I can’t find a sitter” card or tell her junior came down with some very, very contagious plague that you’d hate for her and her perfect children to catch.
- Your messy house: Maybe your pad would be spotless if it wasn’t inhabited by nasty, dirt-covered tyrants, or maybe not. Regardless, just blame the fact that you live in a pigsty on your kids. And when your mother-in-law comments on it, just tell her they must get it from HER side of the family, because your ancestors were all neat freaks.
- Your nasty car: Ditto #5—maybe your car would be showroom-worthy if you weren’t carting around rugrats, maybe not. It doesn’t really matter. What matters is you’ve got a fall guy (or girl) you can pin it on. Next time someone tries to get into the passenger seat and you have to move all of the wrappers/cans/juice boxes/art projects/Legos/Barbie body parts/sweatshirts/shoes/singleton socks/dirty tissues/goldfish crackers/hats/pacifiers/diaper wipes/coffee cups/hand sanitizer (ironic)/crayons/granola bar wrappers so they can sit down, just blame the kids. Because it’s all their fault anyway. So really, we’re just being honest.
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