Some of my favorite bloggers came out with a new book called I Still Just Want to Pee Alone today. Whoo hoo!!! To celebrate, I asked them to share their best bits of parenting wisdom with me. And they did! So voila, here are their brilliant—and brilliantly funny—parenting truths.
- Never lick a brown smudge.
- When your toddler asks you to smell something: don’t.
- Moms need time outs, too.
- Popsicles fix everything.
- Hide books in closets, so that when you hide them from your kids, you have something to entertain you.
- “Mom, I’m bored” translates to “Mom, I want to do housework.”
- Kids will eat almost anything as long as you call it “chicken.”
- When kids are little, they never stop asking you questions. When kids are older, they never stop telling you your answers are wrong.
- No one ever tells you that 80% of parenting is closing doors and picking up cheese stick wrappers.
- Yelling and squabbling from the other room is much better than silence. Never trust silence.
- A toddler can be “bought” with cheddar bunnies and band aids.
- Never assume random brown smears are “just chocolate.”
- Never underestimate the power of a big black trash bag.
- Your kids don’t know that you have NO IDEA what you’ll do if you actually make it to “three.”
- Coffee, Diet Coke, and wine is the Holy Trinity of Mothers.
- Pro parenting tip: Like Jon Snow, you know nothing.
- “Hmmm…interesting.” This is all you need to say when you want your kid to think you’re actually listening to him.
- It’s okay to cry over spilt breastmilk.
- Here’s a tip: Kids are liars.
- If you didn’t have to say it to your kids at least three times, it wasn’t important.
- It’s a hallowed parenting tradition: Just making it up as you go along.
- The kid who says, “I didn’t do it” probably did.
- When your kid rolls her eyes at you and gives you the “Mooo-ooom,” you’re doing something right.
- Each day, tell your kids you love them as many times as you tell them you want to throw them in the river for fish food.
- Don’t bother atoning for your sins. That’s what play dates are for.
- It’s OK to be proud—as well as embarrassed—when your toddler uses a swear word appropriately in public.
- Answer all questions with a question.
- If youre not bribing during potty training, youre doing it wrong.
- If you slack off enough, eventually your kids become self-sufficient.
Aren’t they hilarious? You can laugh at them, er, I mean with them, even more in their book. It’s FUNNY!
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