The Olympics are in full swing, and the Dalporto family apparently wants in on the action. So we’re hosting our own little games over here—The Snot-lympics. It’s an amazing test of lowered immune systems, loogie hacking and non-stop illnesses!
In case you missed all the action on NBC, here’s a recap of the medal count:
- Back-to-Back Illnesses: Young Master Dalporto takes the gold here. At only 4-years-old, he’s managed to string together croup, bronchiolitis, a cold, the stomach flu, another cold and a nasty cough just in the past 6 weeks! Amazing!
- Longest Runny Nose: Again, Master Dalporto! His nose has been running since, let’s see, FOREVER. The kid hasn’t had a booger-free day since 2010. Now that’s dedication.
- Patient Zero: Dad takes gold in this category. He travels a lot and always manages to bring home a nice souvenir in the form of a contagious disease. Go Dad!
- Chronic Illness: Mom wins here! Her Hashimoto’s has been in full swing as she works the night shift, night after night, caring for her barfing, coughing snot-lympiads.
- Biggest Faker: And the gold goes to 7-year-old Miss Dalporto! She’s managed to skip school not one, not two, but THREE days this winter by pretending to have what her brother has. Do we see an Academy Award in this bright young lady’s future?
- Most Annoying Sneeze: Dad wins gold! His sneeze sounds like a young wet cat being tortured by an alarm clock squealing at 5,000 decibles. You have to hear it to believe it, folks.
- Most Mysterious Illness: Master Dalporto brings home the gold for an unidentifiable rash that couldn’t be found on WebMD or identified by a board-certified pediatrician. There is some speculation that he was playing with banned substances such as permanent markers.
- Most Tissues Used: Again, young Master Dalporto! He used an entire box of tissues to get one booger. Way to go, dude!
- Highest Fever: Miss Dalporto wins gold! This incredible young snot-lympiad brought in the big numbers this year with an amazing 103.5 fever! Unbelievable!
- Cabin Fever: Mom gets another gold! She went a full 5 days without leaving the house, a new family record!
- Most Visits to the Doctor: He’s on a roll, Master Dalporto wins GOLD! He went to the doctor and/or ER 5 times in ONE WEEK! Sensational!
So as you can see, young Master Dalporto is leading the medal count with 5 golds. He does have the unfair advantage of being in preschool, but that doesn’t diminish the fact that he’s been one sick little dude this winter. His parents must be so proud!