I was waiting in line at the grocery store the other day when I saw this magazine cover:
6 Secrets to New-Mom Bliss. New Mom what???? Sorry, did they just say bliss???? Are these people kidding me? Becoming a mom is life-changing. It’s transformative. It’s amazing in many ways. But I wouldn’t call it “blissful.”
Blissful is a bubble bath, your favorite novel and a glass of wine. Blissful isn’t sleepless nights, painful boobs and insane amounts of blood pouring out of your lady parts. Blissful isn’t getting puked on, pooped on and drooled on. Blissful isn’t feeling nervous and isolated and totally freaked out that they let you leave the hospital with this tiny thing you have no idea how to take care of.
I actually think it’s mean to advertise new-mommyhood as “blissful” to an unsuspecting pregnant woman. Because when she has the baby and feels totally overwhelmed and freaked she’ll beat herself up because it was all supposed to be so darn blissful.
I’ll admit I didn’t read the article. I didn’t have time. I was at the grocery store with my 4-year-old who was alternately rolling on the dirty floor and sticking his tongue on the grocery conveyer belt. But here’s what I assume are their 6 super-attainable tips:
1) Get a full-time, live-in nanny. You know, like the stars do! Just fork over $50,000 and voila! Bliss!
2) Hire a chef! Want those first few weeks of motherhood to be blissful? Just hire a chef who can cook you nutritious meals on demand so that you can lose the baby weight AND have copious amounts of nutirious breastmilk for your baby.
3) Hire a personal trainer! A hot guy who devotes his life to you dropping the baby weight so you feel all blissful about your new mommy body.
4) Have a baby who sleeps through the night from day one. Just do it, OK? It’ll be blissful.
5) Buy earplugs. Colic? What colic? Silence is bliss, right?
6) Leave the house and come back when your kid is 5-years-old. Talk about bliss!
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