I got a parenting magazine in the mail with all of these absolutely adorable DIY Valentine’s card ideas. And I was like, “Oh, fun! Kids, let’s try it!”
It was a total disaster. Pinterest might fool you into thinking you can DIY anything and everything, but I’m here to give you the cold, hard truth. Unless you’re some kind of crafty goddess with the patience of Mother Theresa, you can’t DIY crap with young kids. But, like me, you can try. And, like me, it will most likely end in disaster.
Here are my step-by-step instructions for your very own DIY Valentine disaster:
- Find a DIY Valentine card idea that looks impossible to do.
- Decide to do it because you’re freakin’ supermom!
- Try to get to the store to buy the supplies. You know, in all your spare time.
- Finally make it to the store … nine days later … without your wallet. What the … ?
- Drive home. Find your wallet hidden under a pile of pillows. “Mom! You’re destroying our fort!”
- Return to the store 3 days later and buy the supplies. Success!
- Spread out newspaper, stickers, glue, glitter, paint and foam hearts on the kitchen table.
- Call the kids in. They’re going to love this! You really ARE supermom!
- Try to get the glue bottle open for 20-minutes. Twist it. Bite it. Pry it open with a knife.
- Cut yourself.
- Slap on a Hello Kitty Band-Aid and forge on. A deep flesh wound isn’t going to stop you from creating some holiday magic with your kids!
- Start crafting!
- Smile benevolently as your kids begin to slap together their cards.
- Watch patiently as they get glue all over their hands, clothes and hair.
- Referee a fight over the last red heart sticker.
- Run to get a snack because you sense a meltdown in 5, 4, 3, 2 –
- Stand by helplessly gripping a bowl of Pirate Booty as your youngest child launches into a full-blown tantrum because HE WANTS THAT STICKER!
- Watch aghast as he flails his little body all over the kitchen, flinging multi-colored glitter everywhere till it looks like a fairy vomited all over your house.
- Freak out when your kid actually does vomit all over your house due to his excessive screaming and sensitive gag reflex.
- Try to soothe your kid as he squirms out of your arms, flinging little glitter-glue-vomit balls all over the walls.
- Sit on the floor and cry uncontrollably with your kids.
- Mop up the glue/glitter/vomit disaster.
- Admire the 2 Valentine’s cards the kids managed to make. Tell them 4,000 times how “amazing” they are.
- Go to Safeway to buy store-bought Valentine’s.
- Forge your kids’ names on the cards as they lie in an exhausted heap watching Jake and the Neverland Pirates.
- Plaster on your best PTA smile, bring them to your kids’ school and pretend you wanted to go the store-bought route all along.
- Pat yourself on the back, because you know what? You are freakin’ SUPERMOM!