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29 Hilarious (And True) Bits of Parenting Wisdom

Some of my favorite bloggers came out with a new book called I Still Just Want to Pee Alone today. Whoo hoo!!! To celebrate, I asked them to share their best bits of parenting wisdom with me. And they did! So voila, here are their brilliant—and brilliantly funny—parenting truths.

parenting-wisdom

  1. Never lick a brown smudge.
  2. When your toddler asks you to smell something: don't.
  3. Moms need time outs, too.
  4. Popsicles fix everything.
  5. Hide books in closets, so that when you hide them from your kids, you have something to entertain you.
  6. “Mom, I’m bored” translates to “Mom, I want to do housework.”
  7. Kids will eat almost anything as long as you call it “chicken.”
‬
  8. When kids are little, they never stop asking you questions. When kids are older, they never stop telling you your answers are wrong.
  9. No one ever tells you that 80% of parenting is closing doors and picking up cheese stick wrappers.
  10. Yelling and squabbling from the other room is much better than silence. Never trust silence.
  11. ‪‪A toddler can be “bought” with cheddar bunnies and band aids.
  12. Never assume random brown smears are “just chocolate.”
  13. ‪Never underestimate the power of a big black trash bag.
  14. Your kids don't know that you have NO IDEA what you'll do if you actually make it to “three.”
  15. ‪Coffee, Diet Coke, and wine is the Holy Trinity of Mothers.
  16. ‪Pro parenting tip: Like Jon Snow, you know nothing.
  17. “Hmmm…interesting.” This is all you need to say when you want your kid to think you’re actually listening to him.
  18. It's okay to cry over spilt breastmilk.
  19. ‪Here's a tip: Kids are liars.
  20. If you didn't have to say it to your kids at least three times, it wasn't important.
  21. It’s a hallowed parenting tradition: Just making it up as you go along.
  22. The kid who says, “I didn’t do it” probably did.
  23. When your kid rolls her eyes at you and gives you the “Mooo-ooom,” you're doing something right.
  24. ‪Each day, tell your kids you love them as many times as you tell them you want to throw them in the river for fish food.
  25. Don't bother atoning for your sins. That's what play dates are for.
  26. ‪It's OK to be proud—as well as embarrassed—when your toddler uses a swear word appropriately in public.
  27. ‪Answer all questions with a question.
  28. If youre not bribing during potty training, youre doing it wrong.
  29. If you slack off enough, eventually your kids become self-sufficient.

Aren’t they hilarious? You can laugh at them, er, I mean with them, even more in their book. It’s FUNNY!

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Comments

  1. Michelle says

    March 27, 2015 at 4:14 am

    This is great!!

    Reply
    • Deva Dalporto says

      March 27, 2015 at 10:10 pm

      I love their advice 🙂

      Reply
  2. Sarah (est. 1975) says

    March 27, 2015 at 4:51 am

    Wow! I can’t believe I missed this! This is great. Sharing!

    Reply
  3. Michele Barefoot says

    March 27, 2015 at 5:27 am

    Every word is truth!!! I actually giggled because I know I am guilty of at least 28 of the 29!

    Reply
    • Deva Dalporto says

      March 27, 2015 at 10:11 pm

      Me too, mama!

      Reply
  4. Kim Bongiorno of Let Me Start By Saying says

    March 27, 2015 at 6:03 am

    Love them all. Thanks so much for featuring us! We’re SO EXCITED about the book!!!

    Reply
    • Deva Dalporto says

      March 27, 2015 at 10:11 pm

      You’re welcome. Congrats!

      Reply
  5. hollow tree ventures says

    March 27, 2015 at 8:06 am

    Thank you so much for this, Deva – we’re thrilled!

    Reply
    • Deva Dalporto says

      March 27, 2015 at 10:11 pm

      My pleasure. Thanks for the hilarious tips!

      Reply
  6. Susan Maccarelli says

    March 27, 2015 at 8:29 am

    These are gold!! My favorite “Don’t bother atoning for your sins. That’s what play dates are for.”

    Reply
    • Deva Dalporto says

      March 27, 2015 at 10:11 pm

      Right??? LOL

      Reply
  7. Karen says

    March 27, 2015 at 10:15 am

    #2,4,10 and 29!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHA

    Reply
    • Deva Dalporto says

      March 27, 2015 at 10:12 pm

      They’re all so funny!

      Reply
  8. Meghan says

    March 27, 2015 at 10:24 am

    These are great Deva! Thanks for sharing. They’re all so true. I’m glad all us moms can read these and laugh.

    Reply
    • Deva Dalporto says

      March 27, 2015 at 10:15 pm

      Me too!

      Reply
  9. Sharon says

    March 27, 2015 at 10:26 am

    here’s another one . . . if you ever want your kids undivided attention “mom, mom, mom, mom, etc.” and to really pay attention to what you have to say – try picking up the phone to make a phone call. It’s like they have radar when you just want 2 minutes to yourself to call someone.

    Reply
    • Deva Dalporto says

      March 27, 2015 at 10:15 pm

      YES!!!!!

      Reply
  10. Laura says

    March 27, 2015 at 10:47 am

    Soooo glad I didn’t have to resort to bribes when potty training my boy. He took to it in a week. Yay. But the tips are super funny. My tip would be…when changing his nappy always point it down, go through less nappies if he doesn’t pee vertical hahahahaha

    Reply
    • Deva Dalporto says

      March 27, 2015 at 10:15 pm

      Lucky you! We had to bribe, bribe, bribe both kids 🙂

      Reply
  11. Amanda says

    March 27, 2015 at 11:05 am

    I love #24! I’m gonna start saying that one. :-). Throw them in the river for fish food. Hehehehe. Mine has always just been throw them out the window.

    Reply
    • Deva Dalporto says

      March 27, 2015 at 10:15 pm

      LOL

      Reply
  12. Nicole says

    March 27, 2015 at 11:59 am

    I am living with #8.

    Reply
    • Tonya says

      March 27, 2015 at 12:46 pm

      Me too! LOL 🙂 An 8 yr. old that thinks he knows everything!

      Reply
      • Deva Dalporto says

        March 27, 2015 at 10:16 pm

        Me three with my 8yo.

        Reply
  13. Tonya says

    March 27, 2015 at 12:44 pm

    LOL! My 8 year old already does #8. He asks me a question-I give him an answer and voila! “I’m Wrong!”
    🙂
    I just keep telling myself that one day- he’ll raise one just like himself! 🙂

    Reply
    • Deva Dalporto says

      March 27, 2015 at 10:16 pm

      Payback is a b*tch 🙂

      Reply
  14. Melanie says

    March 27, 2015 at 4:10 pm

    #29 is totally my motto.

    Reply
    • Deva Dalporto says

      March 27, 2015 at 10:16 pm

      Words to live by!

      Reply
  15. Stacey Gill says

    March 28, 2015 at 9:27 am

    Love it! Thx so much for the shout out!

    Reply
    • Deva Dalporto says

      March 28, 2015 at 10:35 pm

      My pleasure.

      Reply
  16. Charong says

    March 28, 2015 at 3:10 pm

    Funny. Looks like a great late night read when you need some down time from the kids!

    Reply
    • Deva Dalporto says

      March 28, 2015 at 10:35 pm

      For sure!

      Reply
  17. Megan says

    March 28, 2015 at 6:09 pm

    So im not sure how long telling them that their birth certificate is a receipt and I can take them back is going to work…they get smart way to fast!!!

    Reply
    • Deva Dalporto says

      March 28, 2015 at 10:34 pm

      OMG – you’re a genius.

      Reply
  18. Kait says

    March 30, 2015 at 9:30 am

    This list is too funny! My little one is only 9 months old, but this gives me a good idea of what I have to look forward to!

    Reply
  19. Musings, Rants & Scribbles says

    April 1, 2015 at 12:06 pm

    I love “Answer all questions with a question.” A time-honored way to skirt around delicate issues. Brilliant.

    Reply
  20. Prairie Wife says

    April 1, 2015 at 12:36 pm

    I was going to list my favorites but it’s better to just say all of them! Thanks for a heads up on this sure to be funny read!

    Reply

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