Why does everyone—and their mothers—think that they can dish out parenting advice? I’ll be standing in line at the grocery store, minding my own business, when WHAM! Some lady will come up and tell me how to handle my kid. My kid. Not her kid. MY KID. It drives me bonkers. Of course I always smile and nod and listen, because I was raised to be polite. But what I really want to do is pummel her on the head with a banana. You feel me? I know you do!
So here are 10 people I DON’T WANT parenting advice from:
1) Random ladies at the grocery store. Or the drug store. Or the department store. Random ladies anywhere and everywhere, I DON’T WANT YOUR ADVICE!
2) My childless brother. I love you bro. I really, really love you. But until you’re up all night with baby poop smeared on your hands and spit up on your shirt, I DON’T WANT YOUR ADVICE!
3) Actually, make that ANYONE who hasn’t had kids. Parenting is something you don’t know crap about until you’ve BTDT. I don’t even really trust the advice of a pediatrician who doesn’t have her own brood. So yeah, people without kids, I DON’T WANT YOUR ADVICE!
4) The sixteen-year-old babysitter. I know, I know, you “parented” an egg for a week junior year and are therefore an expert in raising kids. But guess what? I DON’T WANT YOUR ADVICE!
5) “Perfect Parents” who think they know evvvvvverything about how to raise kids. You might make a mean bento box lunch, lady, but that doesn’t mean you know what makes my kid tick. So yeah, I DON’T WANT YOUR ADVICE!
6) Judgie McJudgies, aka the Perfect Parents’ BFFs. I see you staring at me over your brand-name sunglasses while my kid punches the lens out of my five-dollar pair, but guess what? I DON’T WANT YOUR ADVICE!
6) Anyone I didn’t ASK for advice from. If I didn’t ask for your opinion, guess what? I. DON’T. WANT. YOUR. ADVICE.
7) Parents of all girls who tell me how to handle my son. I DON’T WANT YOUR ADVICE!
8) Parents of all boys who tell me how to handle my daughter. I DON’T WANT YOUR ADVICE!
9) People with younger kids than I have. If you are the mom of a baby, please don’t tell me how to parent my tween. I DON’T WANT YOUR ADVICE!
10) Relatives who so graciously share their advice when I didn’t ask for it. Did I mention I DON’T WANT YOUR ADVICE???!!!!!